For the last two years I have lived in fear.
Fear that I will be "found". I am finally in a good place and I would stop at nothing to keep that.
Fear that I will never feel good enough to be happy.
Fear that I am a product of my experience and I can't change that.
Fear that I will be left because I am inadequate.
Fear that I am unworthy.
I came upon this on Instagram a few weeks ago and it has just been swirling around in my mind. I have done so much soul searching these last couple of years. I have grown so much in my emotion, power, strength, self-image. I know who I am. I know what I believe about the world around me and about myself.
For the first few weeks of living in the new house I cried every time I passed a certain exit because of the memories of terrible things that happened to me there. I still sometimes look the other direction when I approach it. This year I want to be able to go there and not feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I want to be able to order and not feel judged for what i ordered. I want to be confident in who I am there with and make new memories.
I want to do a lot of things that I haven't really been able to enjoy in the interim years. I want those things back. I will do them a hundred times over if I need to in order to feel comfortable doing each one.
I want to be able to go dancing and not worry who is watching. I want to be myself.
I want to be able to go to Matt's in Minneapolis and get a do over of my first real juicy lucy.
I want to go to a hockey game and not have a panic attack.
I want to go see my friends DJ and not be left.
I want to have a Valentine's Day where I feel special.
I want to have a birthday where I don't get left.
I can't explain how many different times I tried to tell my people that I couldn't do this. That I needed to reconfigure the triggers. Here's my chance to do that.
2021 is my year to close the chapter and move onto the next completely. I want to be better and do better in each and every area of my life and I will stop at nothing to get there.
XO,
CB