So I want to tell you the truth about what happened last weekend. I took a break from blogging just because I needed to re-center. I had a great time at the pre-stuffing party with my family they all got to meet Chad which was awesome. I love to see the kids around and playing, the smorgasbord of food, the meaningful family conversations, reconnecting. I just love it all. After the pre-stuffing party we went downtown and again it was a blast. We were dancing, and drinking and were just having a genuine good time. Lots of laughs, lots of smile, lots of skee-ball. Then we got home and the girls were trying to get a lyft home so they stayed at my house for a while. I saw some people from high school that were definitely not fun to be around in high school and still didn’t even have the gall to say hello when I initiated. It was just sad. It brought me back to that time. Not one of my favorite parts of my life.
When the girls were waiting for their ride, I got ready for bed. I washed my face, took my makeup off. Chad‘s dead to the world asleep. He fell asleep completely clothed, jacket on, hat on, the whole 9 yards. He was so tired from plowing all day and I absolutely don’t blame him. Then all the sudden I just can’t get my shit together. I knew I was exhausted and bawling and I was hyperventilating. I just couldn’t handle life, so I literally cried for like five hours. I didn’t sleep. I tried going to bed once and Chad was asleep still, but he kind of woke up and told me I was being loud and to go away so I laid in the guestroom.
I just I cried. With all the stuff that happened last year on that very night, I didn’t expect it to creep up on me like it did. Last year, J showed up hammered without an invitation, my cousins chased him down the street. That’s NOT normal and I thought that I would be okay because my life is in such a different place. I could not handle it. I felt like such a failure. I felt like nobody would ever understand what happened and that was never going to be good again. I was never going to be okay, which is sad because it’s not true. I’m okay 99% of the time, but I was definitely not okay that night.
Mom ended up picking me up at like 8:30 the next morning because like I said I hadn’t slept. Chad was still sleeping, I knew I couldn’t drive. My car was downtown. I got to my parents house and literally just laid with my mom and I just felt like I needed it. I just needed someone to not talk to me and just hold me, so I slept for a few hours and then I was okay. I just want to be transparent with you because this isn’t like a thing that’s just over. I have to remember that what he did to me and how embarrassed I felt and the shame. It will never go away, but trying to get past it is the only option.
There’s a famous quote that says, “Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility.” I sometimes forget to give myself some grace. I had this awful stuff happen to me and I couldn’t tell anyone at the time, but I’m just gonna lay here and be sad. It’s not an option everyday, but sometimes we have days. Days where it’s really, really tough, but you also have to figure out a way to get past it. For me last week, I needed my parents. I needed to just be by myself. I needed a weekend of eating comfort food and laying on the couch and watching an insane number of Christmas movies. I needed that and that’s what I did. I wore sweatpants and I ate my favorite pie. Not the whole thing, but I had a solid couple of pieces.
This blog is an outlet for me to show you. Give you a little light into my life. The shit that happened to me was not okay. I should never have loved that guy, but I did. I had to choose. I chose to learn and grow from it and not let it define me because if I would’ve let it define me I wouldn’t be strong enough to share my story. He had mental health issues that were un-diagnosed and he manipulated me with his narcissistic personality into a person I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want it to define me. It’s your job to understand and say it’s not okay. We have the option of having not good days. Embrace it. It absolutely sucked. I missed my favorite day.
I missed the stuffing party with my family. My favorite day of the entire year because of what he did. I’m not justifying it. It’s not his fault. He couldn’t control it. At the time he didn’t know. It has only been a year. It’s still fresh and trying to explain that to my family and to Chad and to Kenzie it’s not easy. It’s going to take time. I don’t want this to be the thing that I always remember on Thanksgiving. From now on Thanksgiving and Christmas and Valentine’s Day are going to be good days. Last year terrible things happened on all of those days, but that’s in the past. My goal is to not let Thanksgiving happen again the way it did and to really truly re-write the holidays for my own happiness and mental health. I deserve to have my holidays back I deserve to have 1 million good days.
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