I broke down this week. I felt like I was not being appreciated or quite honestly even seen. It wears on you after a while. It’s an all too familiar feeling of numbness which brings back tidal waves on emotion in and of itself from past trauma. There’s beauty in being vulnerable, but there is also immense pain. The kind of pain you don’t really know how to put into words. Your heart is numb. Like a dementor taking your soul, like you’ll never feel good again. (To all my fellow potter geeks you know the reference)
There’s a thing called flooding that I am all too familiar with as of late. I wanted to take the time to explain it and describe how it may look during an encounter with a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I want to take some time to truly explain what it is and how to help you recognize if someone you love experiences this. It is completely out of our control and is very draining to process, so be patient with us as we calm after the flood.
“Flooding” is the extremely uncomfortable feeling of being overwhelmed mentally and emotionally.
If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) like me, you probably know what it’s like to be “flooded.” Flooding is another term for being overwhelmed emotionally or mentally, and HSPs are especially susceptible to it due to how our brains are wired.
Essentially, our nervous systems have a lower “threshold,” meaning we’re more responsive to all forms of stimulation, from sights to sounds to emotional cues. There’s also good evidence of overlap between the parts of the brain that influence our high sensitivity and our emphatic responses.
What does it mean to be flooded?
Imagine you’re babysitting when you are 11 years old. You forgot the kiddos favorite blanket in the dark basement and you have to go get it for them to fall asleep. It’s dark. It’s scary, but you’re the adult, so you have to go. You make it down the stairs and you are absolutely certain you just heard a noise.
Immediately your heart starts racing, your ears may throb as they strain to hear any noise, your body tenses in preparation of having to move at the speed of light if there actually is something down there… and your brain starts developing an escape plan.
This is very similar to how HSPs function in day-to-day life. Our bodies and minds are at constant attention, ready to react to any situation with the necessary emotional or physical responses. (Take a breath, by the way — you succeeded in getting the blanket and going back upstairs without an intruder or seeing a mouse)
Because of this heightened readiness to respond to any given situation, it’s easy for HSPs to get overwhelmed by things that may not even phase non-HSPs.
For example, a highly sensitive person may be strongly impacted by:
Bright lights
Semi-loud noises
A change in room temperature
A slight change in someone’s mood (me)
Anything else that changes with little warning (me)
Given the way we’re influenced by even these subtle parts of life, the “big” things are much bigger for us too. It’s when faced with things like meeting your boss, interviewing for a job, addressing conflict with a friend, receiving emails after hours that seem to need immediate attention, or listening to someone vent that our natural reactivity can lead us to become flooded.
How to Recognize Flooding
Flooding will look a little different for each HSP, but chances are, you’ll know it when it happens. Symptoms of flooding can include:
You may have a hard time focusing as your mind becomes overwhelmed trying to process lots of information at once.
You may suddenly feel anxious, or you withdraw mentally as the brain “overheats” and copes by turning off for a moment.
Your fight-or-flight response kicks in. You may debate whether you can stick the situation out or if you need to flee to “safety.” (You may feel unsafe even in situations that aren’t actually physically threatening especially if you had previous physical abuse in the past.)
Your emotions may be all over the place. You may not be able to pinpoint or explain which emotions you’re feeling. (ME!)
You may have physical symptoms such as sweaty hands, tunnel vision, or lightheadedness.
Outwardly, flooding can look like panic, fear, or a complete shut-down.
Whatever form it takes, being flooded is an extremely uncomfortable feeling, and it can take a long time to come down.
Read that again.
Whatever form it takes, being flooded is an extremely uncomfortable feeling, and it can take a long time to come down.
This is key. For me it takes me at least 2-3 hours to truly get back to my calm. For an average “normal” person it can be seconds and they’ve let it go and moved on. My brain doesn’t work like that.
This week for example we got into an argument because there were band aid wrappers on the counter, the medicine box was left on the bathroom counter, and the cabinets were left open. Doesn’t seem like much to you does it? To me it is a slap in the face. It is you telling me that you don’t care if you leave the house a mess because you expect me to pick it up. (totally not the actual case, but this is how my brain works).
This can be hard to understand for the “normal” person in your world. It’s hard for us to understand. I can’t imagine what it looks like from their perspective. We then fought for about an hour and threw just about everything at each other that we could use as ammunition.
“You didn’t say hi to me when I got home from work”
“we don’t do enough together anymore”
“I don’t feel special”
“You don’t appreciate what I do for us”
“Your phone is more of a priority than me”
You name it and we fought about it.
To start the calming process I make lists. Lists of things we are going to talk about. Lists of how I am feeling. A grocery list. Anything I can do to distract myself. He is now very good at seeing when I am flooded and encouraging me to start doodling or making a list. This week it was a list of things we were going to start going through every night. I have committed to talking more about my past relationship to help him better understand why there are things I do now that probably don’t make sense. For obvious reasons he doesn’t want to trigger me simply by not knowing. We’ve been dating for almost two years and there’s still a lot about “he who shall not be named” that he doesn’t know. It hurts me to talk about it and it is daunting to have to relive those memories again. Taking the person out of it and talking more about generalized situations may be easier, so we are committed to talking about 1-2 of these things a day. This is a huge goal for me for 2021. I wrote about changing the narrative a couple weeks ago if you missed that post definitely go back and check it out.
Once we get to a good place (usually some tears are shed because again, I’m flooded and can’t handle my emotions). I leave the situation. Like I physically have to leave the room or house even sometimes.
I made myself some tea and went to take a bath.
Like I said. This is a long and very un-glamorous process.
After my bath I got into comfy clothes and went to turn on my favorite movie. It is honestly 0% about the movie and I recently learned that a lot of people like me find Harry Potter comforting which I think is incredibly interesting. Someone should do a study of what we all have in common.
I almost always choose Harry Potter. It doesn’t matter which one, but since I’ve watched them all 900,000 times I can basically recite it word for word. I don’t really even have to actively watch it. Sometimes I scroll, sometimes I write, sometimes I just zone out, but it brings me comfort to know that it’s on in the background.
By this time I am usually exhausted, but feeling better. Now I’ll be able to relax and sleep, so I usually try to crawl into bed and make it an early night.
Here’s a quick list of ways that may help you recover from flooding-
Leave the room or situation
Breathe
Count things or make a list
Tap
I felt immense shame when I first was taught to tap. I used to use this method when I was teaching and to feel that I needed it as an adult because I couldn’t control my thoughts and emotions that hurt. But once I gave in and truly started believing that it may help it did.
5. Mindfulness
6. Treat yourself
I highly recommend Dairy Queen or taking yourself to lunch.
7. Tell someone
They may not understand, but find someone who you can talk to about it and how you are processing what’s happening. The more we can share our journeys and explain how our brains are working the more accessible education will be to our family’s and friends which will truly help everyone long term.
8. Rest
I can’t say enough about owning a weighted blanket. It is a true game changer and will help you calm down and really relax.
This post was insanely long, but I figured you may benefit from knowing what it looks like and how you can potentially help someone who is experiencing flooding. It is way more common than you think!
I am no doctor, but I am always here to attempt to answer your questions or help you find a resource that can get you a better one than I provide.
Much love,
CB
